"DEATH FROM ABOVE"

Those who know me best know that it's the little things in life that will absolutely set me off. Tell me that I have a terminal illness, and I'll obviously be upset, but I'll eventually come to grips and deal with it. But by golly, if you pull out in front of me in traffic, all bets are off, pal! I'm likely to tailgate you so close that you'll think your bumper has developed a 1-ton cancerous growth. Things such as this are fleeting and have no real significance, and yet I'll feel as if I'd endured a great injustice, which brings me to my point.

Question: How many times within 48 hours can my car be crapped on (literally) before I blow a gasket?

Answer: Three.

I mean, c'mon! I've parked nowhere near a tree, power line or overhang for 2 weeks. Just how is it that birds can have that good of aim with such consistency? And how is it that they manage to drop their payload in the most inconvenient places? These little winged demons have mastered the mid-air drop, which makes me think the Air Force has untapped demographic potential. Somehow devise a way to outfit these little air dwellers with military firepower, and you can revolutionize the armed forces. The engineering challenges can't be half as difficult as trying to launch guys in big white suits into space. Think of the budgetary savings!

Establish senatorial platform: check

I foresee a McDonald/PETA alliance! Although if you hear that rather than read it, it sounds like McDonald/pita alliance, which could appeal more widely to the electorate. Make a campaign donation and get a pita. I'm not above pandering for votes—it seems to work for a lot of politicians these days.

And every good campaign has a good slogan. The 7th Bomb Wing's motto is Death from Above. It's a good start, but it's missing something. Let's try Death from Above: I'm Lovin' It!

Establish campaign slogan: check